Man, Republicans are fucked up people.
They’re like other people in that they have some terribly offensive secret, but the thing is, they’re all open about it. They’re way too happy to share their Republican status with you. In fact, a certain distant female friend of mine is apparently a Republican. She just joined a FaceBook group called “A Republican In 2008.”
The point is whereas the rest of us have dark secrets like having killed a man or that we like to be peed on during sex acts, other people’s dark secret is Republicanism. But they’re all, “Check it out, I’m a Republican!” Then they’re all, “I have no fucking clue what that means so don’t ask me about it! My parents decided for me! I’ll get really embarassed if you press the issue!” So you can have these totally liberal friends who suddenly reveal this fact by joining a group like mine did. And I mean slutty-hard-drinking-heavy-metal-listening.
It would be like if this guy was going around being proud of fucking children, and was all, “Child Fucking In 2008! Woo!” Seriously: who would go to that guy’s rally? What is his platform even about?
I have this term – “monetary Republicans.” Let me explain.
When I was back in high school, my ma would sometimes have dinner parties. The attendees were all pretty upscale, but from different fields and backgrounds. As a teenager, I didn’t have much to talk to any of them about, but I had absolutely nothing to say to a certain group: the monetary Republicans.
These are men and women who support the Republican platform, but not because they’re fundamentalists, or pro military or any of that relevant shit. They support it because they’re rich and it makes them richer.
Interacting with these people is like having a two way mirror between you, only both sides are the observation side. They kind of treat everybody not exactly like them like the average punter does a polar bear at the zoo.
“Hey – that bear’s fantastic! Fantastic!”
“Isn’t that something? Now let’s all wander over to the penguins…”
It’s like when you see people tap the glass to try to get the chimpanzee’s attention, only the chimpanzee’s all “fuck you, I get that all day,” then the punters laugh because “he’s almost smart like people!” Only they don’t get that they’ve just been made a cosmic joke by a fucking 400 pound primate.
That’s the thing about zoos. You don’t watch the animals. You watch yourself. You watch your fucking self degrade down the evolutionary pedestal humanity likes to sit on and you suddenly have this clarifying moment of horror when it occurs to you that all the zoos have totally fucked your soul over and left it in a ditch. You fool yourself into believing you have a soul, that it’s precious, that it’s gone and dead, that you can never get it back, and that you’re never going to be even slightly okay ever again for the rest of time, all in one time lapsed moment.
How terrifying to not even comprehend the horror of existance.
And that is the thing about Republicans.