The Sandiest Game!
Way back when Animal Crossing first came out, Nintendo chose to advertise it in the USA by parodying MTV’s the Real World in their commercials. This was pretty funny and shit, but I was a bit left going “what the fuck?” Reason? Season: Autumn 20something, and the mention that one of the Real Crossing housemates was spending his days fishing instead of helping out around the village. For those who care, this is basically what I did once I actually had Animal Crossing, and basically what I heard from my girlfriend at the time. Nevermind, right? She’s in the past, and the past is shit. The past is shit! Hooray the shit past!
Alright. Got me to thinking, once I played the game - this isn’t so great. Sure, Tom Nook needs things and um…fish or…seashells. Hang on, I could sell him fruit or whatever…uh…furniture maybe. What’s this currency? Bells? You want HOW much for a punching bag? Fuck you, I’ll go down to the…there’s only one shop in town. That was the experience.
Thusly I present my new game idea: Do Some Shit. It’s a “sandbox” game in which you, true to the title, do shit. And things. And also stuff. In my ideal game of Do Some Shit, my character waddles down to the river, equips his iron boots, and fishes a la the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. There’s no Hylian Loach, sure, but maybe there’s a loach of some sort? How about garbage eels? Maybe catfish. The point is that I don’t just have to hit A when my controller has a fit. My character spends all day fishing loaches of a non-Hylian nature and drinking Strongbow. If you don’t dig that, then maybe you can dance or something? You can arrange furniture as well. If that’s your thing, do that. But if you move my guy’s loach tanks, he’ll probably come back home and punch you in your cartoony nose. You’d pay a subscription for that feature. Admit it. And just remember, while you’re playing, Do Some Shit is free minus the one time fee of $49.95 you pay me on purchase. Also maybe there’s sex?
Cats and kittens, I missed a post this week. I’ll make up for it this weekend. No violence related excuses this time. I was just lazy. Also the new bosun is REALLY easy to beat.
Love,
Captain Cussy Pants.