Thay Ruddy Great Cussyblog

Since today’s my figurative Friday, and my blog is fairly new and I need to set the tone (THE TONE IS “CONTROVERSY”), I thought I’d do an Alco-Challenge today. What is an Alco-Challenge you ask? It’s an alcohol related challenge, very often involving alcohol. You totally asked. You were all, “What the fuck, Cap?” That’s what you call me in your internal monologue. “Cap.”

Today’s Alco-Challenge:

TEN CANS OF CIDER!

Today’s challenge requires me to drink ten cans of cider, finding out along the way if such a thing can be done without vomitting, or if I’ll switch to beer at some point or something. To prepare for this experiment/challenge/thing, I stopped off at the local Super Best on my way home from work, where I purchased ten (10) cans of Somersby Apple Cider. Somersby is 4,7% ABV and far too sweet. The commercials are a bit overdone and the can says “serve over ice.” For the purposes of this experiment remaining well-controlled I am ignoring this command. I also bought a bag of Kims crisps (sour cream & onion).

As the challenge wears on, I’ll provide can by can analysis of the exciting action.

16.58: Can #1 (Opened approx. 16.45) - I started drinking this one while I was on the toilet. I can’t help it if getting home from work somehow sends a radio telegram to my body reading “VOID BOWELS STOP CREATE MORE GAS STOP.” Also drinking a can of cider on the toilet is really good. This one’s mostly gone and Eastenders isn’t even on yet. At the moment I feel confident and like I need to pluck my nose hairs.

17.16: Can #2 - I think Eastenders got jealous of Emmerdale because everything’s exploding. I don’t understand why they pick on Mickey so much in the plotlines. Sure, he looks like an aborted fetus, but Eastenders’ writers seem to take perverse pleasure in torturing nice guys like him and Gus. Now when Bradley gets the piss taken out of him, that’s funny. Fucking Bradley. I also wanted to mention that I should totally get to touch the girl who plays Shabnam on the bum. Totally my hand on her butt. I wish the cans were colder, that’s all I can say about the cider.

17.56: Can #3 - I’ve been playing Nintendo games for entertainment purposes. Are there any other purposes for Nintendo games? I’m pretty sure “sexy treats” is possible somehow utilizing NES carts, but I don’t care to know how, or want to really spend the energy or time Googling it. My tummy feels like there’s an apple tree growing in it, but that would be way fucking cool so it probably isn’t true. It’s probably just acidosis. Fucking acidosis. Fuck you, medical conditions. Fuck all of you.

18.29: Can #4 - Raymond Scott’s “Powerhouse” is the official theme tune of most of my hijinks, if not all of my hijinks. Now and forever. Also my shenanigans. I want everyone everywhere to listen to it and go, “Oh my god – a sassy character is approaching fast!” The drunk has started to kill the tummy ache. Big time. I think I have to pee, but I don’t want to break the seal. Holy shit, what if you could actually seal the urethral meatus? FUCKING AWESOME! 

18.57: Can #5 - Did you perhaps happen to notice that I run the road with my hustle and grind? I would also like to take the opportunity to point out that this cider is quite excellent. It doesn’t promote the cultivation of bothersome throat oysters or oysters of any persuasion. Seriously. Serious. Fuck. I forgot what I was going to say about my thing and stuff. And I took a pee. That was pretty fucking good.

19.30: Can #6 - What is with people who don’t get Iron Butterfly jokes? What the fuck? They were a really bad band and they wrote a song called Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida. It totally kind of sucks. It’s almost shit like minus one shit like. You get me? I remember on the A side of that record there was this tune called “Flowers and Beads” and I thought the lyrics were “Having a pizza’s one thing / having you, girl, that’s something” because the lead singer was like 35 and fat and I’m pretty sure everybody loves pizza. I’m pretty sure girls wearing pizza would be tasty sex times. Oh my god. How much money does it cost to live that lifestyle? I’ll bet I have to know somebody first!

19.51: Can #7 - I swugged the last bit of the last can which was made of swiggle. I took another pee. I seriously have this issue with spiders. Spiders keep crawling on me! Then I thought: perhaps spiders nested in my anus when I wasn’t looking! It makes sense! How often can you even watch your anus? Plus my anus is unnaturally itchy at times. And nobody at work believes me whenever I pick a spider out of my hair. Fucking dicks. I don’t know if this is all really cool or really awful. In other news three cans of cider left is somehow depressing. Next time: eleven cans of cider!

20.07: Can #8 - I officially liscense Raymond Scott to soundtrack my life! I mean ????? think about it! How fucking great would that be? And while I’m at it I’d like to say FUCK YOU to the backspace key! All backing up in the space! Shit. What were you thinking, trying to step like that? I could seriously kill you with style. With just an ounce of my style. I am that sassy. Who’s the sassy captain dick who’s a sexual molestor to all the chicks?

20.20: Can #9 - DOOK! DOOK! DOOK! DOOK! DOOK! DOOK!

20.33: Can #10 - Oh my god, how could anyone even ever hate Daffy Duck? I mean seriously. He says “YIPE!” in injury and otherwise. Sometimes he can swim. I haven’t had a swim in ages. It was like I was twelve and I used to swim a lot. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT? Does ANYBODY knows? Do you? What the fuck? Where have all the swimmings gone? I will tell you where! DOWN THE FUCKING SHIT HOLE; WHICH IS A HOLE WHERE SHIT GOES. God, what the fuck? I have to piss again. What the fuck? Maybe I’ll do it out the window this time. Ha ha, take that, society!

20.57: Conclusion! - Oh man, my tummy suddenly hurts. I can’t believe I’m not that drunk. Or maybe I am. I don’t know. I hate how fucking college kids say that shit. Holy shit it’s New Year’s and I’m not that drunk! Take your hands off my woman and I’m not that drunk. Fuck you. Fuck you AND your English professor! I totally touched her EVERYWHERE while I was also touching your woman. I totally touched your woman. I mean what the fuck? You had like ten million Jaegger bombs, and they’re still shit. But you’re like 19 and you’re drunk as shit. Let’s fucking fight. In conclusion, fight college students and I’m going to buy some fucking high strength lager. Fucking jesus shit arse cunt bootie. Shit ass fuck. Cocksucker. Fucking a cunt.

Love,

Captain Cussy Pants